This Could Get Interesting
by Lugian Before Swine
Summary: A story with much randomness. It actually kinda almost follows a plot for once. Pure humor. AH all the way. Have fun and enjoy.
1. Adventures In Shin Kicking

**A/N: I'm trying something new. It's a story chock full of randomness and humor, but it will actually almost follow a plot. ((Gasps of horror are heard)) Oh, don't be so shocked, people. I can write a plot if I want to.**

**Disclaimer: Lugian doesn't own Artemis Fowl. She dearly hopes, however, that if you are reading this story, you know who does.**

**This Could Get Interesting**

**Chapter 1: Adventures In Shin-Kicking**

"Alright, what do you propose we do?"

"Can we kick people in the shins??"

"No, Grub, we're supposed to be beyond that. What can we do that won't endanger other peoples' safety?"

"We can run around in circles like losers."

"Arty, dear boy, you do that all the time. Another suggestion, anyone?"

"We can play spin the bottle."

"…I don't trust you with that game, Holly."

"I'd like to play spin the bottle," said Artemis.

"Well, of course _you _would. There's a hot elf chick sitting next to you. But that's beyond the point. We're in a huge field, acres long and acres wide, and you people can't think of anything to do."

"Why don't _you_ think of something, Foaly?" suggested Trouble.

"Oh, don't you get mouthy with me. I'm the leader here. What I say goes. Now shut up, elf boy."

"Yessir."

"…Well, if no one can think of anything—"

"I know!" shouted Juliet. "Let's paint each other's nails!!"

"…As I was saying, if no one can think of anything, I guess we'll just have to kick people in the shins. Good suggestion, Grub."

"Thanks, Mr. Foaly."

"What with the Mr.?" asked Trouble.

"I have trained him well," replied Foaly, then he kicked Trouble in the shin with his hoof. Trouble was knocked out cold. An ambulance appeared out of nowhere and took him away on a stretcher.

"Whoops," said Foaly.

**Well, there you go. I tried. Leave a review, pretty please ;)**

**The Insane Lugian**


	2. One Character Too Many

**A/N: Cringe in fear! I'm back! Anyway, thank you for all the reviews on Chapter 1! I really appreciate it!!**

**Disclaimer: I have completely run out of funny disclaimers. Seriously.**

**This Could Get Interesting**

**Chapter 2: One Character Too Many**

"Arty, my dear, dear little boy…you sure have grown up."

"What the heck are you talking about, crazy? And don't call me Arty."

Artemis and friends were sitting around a giant campfire in the giant field. It was about 6 o'clock P.M.

"I mean, before, you refused to come to terms with your emotions. Now you just blurt them out like it's nothing. I'm so…_proud_…of you."

"Foaly, you have some serious issues you need to work out. Good Lord, you're even crying."

"Artemis…if only you knew," sobbed Foaly into his arm.

"Umm..knew what?"

"Oh, nothing," said Foaly, wiping his eyes and blowing his nose.

Minerva conjured a random tissue out of nowhere.

"Thank you, dear child," sniffed Foaly. Then he did a double-take. "Hey. What are you doing here? You weren't invited."

"I didn't know I needed an invitation," said Minerva, surprised.

"Well, now you know," said Foaly angrily. "So get out of here before we roast you over the fire."

"Eep!" Minerva ran away, but not before she blew Artemis a kiss. Holly pulled out her Neutrino and aimed.

"Now Holly, c'mon, it was a just a little—" began Foaly.

_Zap_. "Too late," said Holly happily.

Artemis was rolling around on the ground clawing at his eyeballs.

"PARAMEDIC!!" screamed Holly.

"WAIT!!" screamed Foaly. "Before we call the paramedics _again_, let's ask the Almighty Authoress if there's anything we can do."

"This never turns out well," said Root absentmindedly, continuing to smoke his cigar from his reclined lawn chair.

"Oh Almighty Authoress!" called Foaly. "We need some help!"

…If I were you, I would have just called the paramedics, I say, smirking.

"Yeah, well," said Foaly. "What can we do for poor little Arty here?"

Oh, I think you know what you have to do, I respond.

"Oh great," said Holly. "I have to make out with him again, don't I?"

I cackle gleefully.

**Bwahahahaha! Cliffy-cliffy! Tune in next chappie for lots o' snogging! YAY!**

**The Insane Lugian**


	3. Do We Have To?

**A/N: Chapter 3 has arrived. YAY!**

**Disclaimer: I just don't exist anymore.**

**This Could Get Interesting**

**Chapter 3: So We Have To?**

"So…I have to make out with him?" asked Holly.

There is no going back now, I cackle.

"Fine."

I'll even be nice enough to give you guys some privacy, I say, as I conjure a black curtain around Holly and Artemis.

"Gee…thanks," says Holly sarcastically.

_24 minutes, 38 seconds, and 17 nanoseconds later_

Good Lord! Aren't you two done yet?! I shout.

"Urm…no," comes from inside the curtain.

Foaly taps his hoof impatiently. For the twenty-second time that minute.

_Another 16 minutes, 57 seconds, and 34 nanoseconds later_

Alright, I need an actual story here! I yell, annoyed. I rip the curtain away. Holly falls over backwards and Artemis lands on top of her.

"Dang…strong curtain," says Foaly appreciatively.

Dang…awkward position, I smirk, looking down at Holly and Artemis.

"Umm…really, we can explain…" begins Artemis.

"Yeah, but we'd rather you just put the curtain back up," says Holly.

"Yeah, pretty much," says Artemis.

Okie dokie! I say, and conjure the curtain back.

"This is gonna take a verrry long time…" says Foaly, leaning back and grabbing a random beer mug out of nowhere. "So in the mean time...LET'S GET DRUNK!!"

**Next chappie: The scene behind the curtain is revealed, and we get to experience a drunken Foaly…aren't you all excited?!?!**

**Sorry about the short chappie…I promise the next one will be loads better. Review, please! And oh yes, I have pushed the rating up to teen…sorry, 8 year olds. LOL.**

**The Insane Lugian**


	4. Ramblings of a Drunken Centaur

**A/N: Welcome back. Here's the chappie you've all been waiting for…muahahahaha.**

**Disclaimer: ((Took a sick day))**

**This Could Get Interesting**

**Chapter 4: Ramblings of a Drunken Centaur**

**-**

Let's first take a look back, shall we?

"_This is gonna take a verrry long time," says Foaly, leaning back and grabbing a random beer mug out of nowhere. "So in the mean time…LET'S GET DRUNK!!"_

-

Foaly, I don't wanna get drunk, I complain. It's bad for you.

But Foaly had already chugged three beers and was conjuring more beers and some scotch from nowhere.

Foaly, I don't think this is the best—I began, but Foaly cut me off.

"Heh heh, the stars…they twinkle…TWINKLE, I SAY!!"

Ok, actually, this is pretty funny, I reasoned. So I sat back and watched.

"And then, and then, I said, zeh mushrooms…they really do look like cabbages! AHAHAHAHAHA!!" Foaly was rolling on the ground laughing, clutching at his stomach. Tears were streaming from his eyes.

"And I really don't feel pretty…but I sing the song anyway! BWAHAHAHA!! I feel pretty…oh so pretty…I feel pretty and witty and GAY!! No, I really don't feel gay; there's no one like that in my life right now…oh, but there could be, I tell you, there could be! If they just sing about pasta, all their wildest dreams will come true! OH, IF THEY JUST SANG!!" And now sad tears were rolling down his cheeks.

"If only the cabbage would--" Sniff. "—Give the broccoli a hand, I—" Sniff. "—Why, I do believe there would be no more e-coli in the world!" Sniff. "But alas…" He lapsed into silence, but it didn't last long. Suddenly, he got happy again.

"And I want to thank all the people who showed up tonight. Because I really appreciate your support. I wouldn't be where I'm not today if it wasn't because of you. I mean—I like beauty pageants. Scholarship programs. Whatever. It just depends on your point of view, right? Like, how chickens and turkeys might actually be mutations of one another? And what about those jackolopes? How do we know they're not real? Huh? HOW DO WE KNOW?!"

He sat down and scratched idly behind his left ear. Then he swatted at an invisible fly. Then he did the Macarena. Then the Cha Cha Slide. Then the Bunny Hop. All without music. The cha-cha-ing was pretty good, actually. Then the talking started up again.

"And fungi. I mean, pancakes. I mean, waffles. I mean—what's the difference anyway? Seriously? Fungi on pancakes? Fungi on waffles? Strawberries on French toast? I mean, I like them all, but strawberry poison is gross. Red stuff gets all over the kitchen sink. I mean, you puke, of course. But, I don't know if I can puke. I'm half horse. That flappie thingie, that's what matters. Way back in your throat. I tried to poke it once. Couldn't reach that far. Was I talking about waffles? I meant pancakes. Geez, what's the difference, anyway? Fungi on pancakes? Fungi on waffles? Fungi on my brain? No, it couldn't be—"

Then he pawed wildly at his head.

"There's little men up there, I just know it. They control everything I do. By the way, would you like to go out with me?" Foaly asked a random tree. "See—see! That was Bart up there, the guy who controls my asking-out-o-the-women. (Remember, I said I wasn't gay! Yet). Anyway, Clarissa, I didn't mean to ask you out. I'm sorry. No hurt feelings, right? Right. Okay. Phones. Yup. Buttons. Numbers. Dial tones. Yup. Phones. Yup."

Then he turned to me and said, "I'm not drunk, am I? No way I'm drunk."

_-Let's check in with Arty and Holly, what do you say? Oh yeah, you have no say in this. Heh. I feel powerful.-_

"Urm, Artemis?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we get out of the box now?"

"Oh, yeah…sure."

"It's not that I mind your company," said Holly, "It's just that we're running low on oxygen and I figured we might need to breathe at some point."

"Yeah, we probably do," agreed Artemis. He was so smart.

So Holly lifted up the black curtain and climbed out. Artemis followed her.

And then they saw it. The biggest gosh-darn

_-Heh. Cliffie. Heh. I make cliffie. You read next chapter, yes? Find out what the big thing was, yes? Yes, you will. Yes.-_

Foaly pranced around, did a curtsey, spun in a circle, and passed out.

Darn. There goes my entertainment, I thought. I guess I'll check on Holly and—holy cheese!! What the heck is that?!?!

**Muhahahahaha! Chiffhanger!**

**In the next chapter: What will Foaly be like when he wakes up? What was the big thing that Holly, Artemis, and the Almighty Authoress saw? Exactly how long were Holly and Arty making out? And, perhaps most importantly, WHERE DID ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE GO?!?! Find out in the next chapter of…THIS COULD GET INTERESTING!!**

**This has been Lugian Sandusky, signing out the traditional way,**

**The Insane Lugian**


	5. In Which The Monster Is Revealed

**A/N: I UPDATED. This is your cue to bow down to my greatness. Except don't. 'Cause I'd be really freaked out. And, ok, so it's been like 8 months or whatnot, but at least I updated eventually…right?**

**Disclaimer: I've hired my dog to do my disclaimer today. Just for a change of pace.**

**Laina: Bark bark bark growwwll woof woof ruff bark arrrr.**

**And there you have it. Now I'm all covered.**

**This Could Get Interesting**

**Chapter 5: In Which The Monster Is Revealed**

_-A quick recap-_

_Foaly is passed out. Holly and Arty have finally finished snogging, and have emerged to find a big, scary…thing…looking at them. The Almighty Authoress has seen it, as well._

_-End recap.-_

"What the heck is that?!"

"Well, I think it's pretty obvious…it's a big, friendly squirrel."

Indeed, a big, (supposedly) friendly squirrel was sitting on the edge of the field, flicking its tail idly. This is what everyone was so afraid of. Well, have you ever seen a 10-foot-tall squirrel? I didn't think so. It would scare you, too.

"What's it got in its paws?" asked Artemis, being totally oblivious to life outside his bedroom.

"It's an acorn. Aww, he looks sweet. We should try to approach him," said Holly.

"ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?!" screamed Foaly, coming back to the conscious world and sitting up suddenly. "DO. NOT. TOUCH IT. It's a horrible creature I've just had a dream about."

"But it looks so cute and innocent," said Holly. "What was your dream about?"

"The apocalypse," said Foaly darkly. "And this hideous thing right here caused it." The squirrel looked mildly offended.

"Oh, what in the world could he have done?" said Holly in the sing-song voice you would use to talk to your dog. "Apocalypse? C'mon, now, Foaly. You're crazy."

"And so what if I am?!" shouted Foaly wildly. "I know what I saw. This thing…it ate ALL THE CARROTS IN THE WOLRD. All of them. Gone, destroyed, no more carrots for the rest of eternity. And if that's not apocalyptic, I don't know what is."

"I say again: you're crazy," said Holly dismissively.

"Lookie here, everybody!" Trouble was running towards the group. "I'm back! I'm alive! And I know you all missed me so much!"

"And to think, I could have enjoyed my very own moment of glory with him gone. SUCH WASTED OPPORTUNITIES!" sobbed Grub into Root's shoulder.

"GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, BOY!" screamed Root. "Can't you see I'm trying to smoke here?!"

"Sorry, Mr. Root," said Grub, pulling away from him quickly.

Anyway, I begin, now that most of us are here, let's see the official tally of minutes of snogging!

Everyone gathers around to hear the tally. Including the giant squirrel.

So, let's see…if I counted correctly, it ends up being 2 hours, 46 minutes, 35 seconds, and 54 milliseconds, exactly, I said. Wow. You guys must really like each other.

"Urm…"

"Yes, well…"

Suddenly, the big squirrel jumped up and ran away.

"I think I saw his lady friend over there," said Trouble.

"Ahh," replied everyone.

And so it was the end of a long, drunken day. But the next morning would be filled with surprises…oh yes, _horrible_ surprises.

**Evil cliffeh of doom! Again!XD**

**Review, please! If anyone even remembers this fic…**

**Lu**


	6. Some Things To Learn

**A/N: I'm baaack! Be afraid. Be very afraid. Anyway, now that school's out, I will have more time to write! YAY! ((Snuggles FF))**

**Disclaimer: Blah blah blah Eoin Colfer blah blah blah.**

**This Could Get Interesting **(And it shall!) xD

**Ch 6: Some Things To Learn**

**WARNING: This chapter is a stronger T, for some profanity and…adult-ish subject matter. XD You'll see. xD**

It was early morning. The slightly sleepy group was gathered around Foaly, who was reading to them from a book titled "The Kindly Apocalypse".

"Then George, horrified that he had accomplished nothing in his all-too-short life, decided to wear boxers instead of briefs…Then proceeded to sleep with every girl in his neighborhood."

There was a collective gasp. Foaly continued.

"There was one girl, however, who refused to sleep with George. "Why not?" George asked in desperation. He was determined to accomplish something before he died, and getting consent from 19 girls surely was a feat. 'Because you smell bad,' replied the girl. George lifted his arm and sniffed. 'Shit. I guess I do need a shower—'"

Artemis raised his hand. "What is this 'shit' that is often spoken of?"

"Well, urm…" Foaly struggled to come up with an answer.

"It's poo, Artemis. It's the same thing as poo," said Holly.

"Oh," said Arty. "Well, if it's poo, why did George proclaim it when he smelled his armpit? Was there a pile there? Had someone placed it there as a cruel trick? Why would anyone want to handle—"

"Well, in this context, it's not referring to poo, exactly," explained Holly. "It's been turned into what we call a 'swear word'."

"A what?" asked Artemis.

"You know, like—"

"HELL!" interjected Root.

"…Yes, like hell," said Holly.

Artemis nodded. "So George is exasperated by his smelly armpits, and therefore feels the need to 'swear'. How childish. How immature. How rude! Why, he even said it in front of a girl! I would _never_ dream of—"

"Artemis! Shut the hell up!" the general group shouted.

"Well, I'll be damned," said Arty.

The group stared. Arty stared back. "What?"

"You swore," said Holly.

"Did I?" asked Artemis casually.

"You were just rebuking it, and then you did it. You're a _hypocrite_."

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"WILL BOTH OF YOU STOP IT, PLEASE?! Foaly is trying to read!" shouted Root.

"Since when do you care?" asked Holly.

"Since I started becoming interested in the storyline!" screamed Root.

Everyone stared at him. He shifted uncomfortably.

"Go on then," he said, pointing at Foaly.

So Foaly continued. "'—but that shouldn't matter. I need to reach my goal of 19 before we all die.' 'I don't care,' said the girl, whose name happened to be Sara. 'I am more important than you. Plus, I'm trying to beat my video game before we all die.' 'You're playing that game?! I'll help you!' said George. So he sat down and beat the last boss for Sara. She was very thankful. 'So, umm, about my goals…' began George. 'Of course!' said Sara. And their lifetime goals were finally accomplished. The end." Foaly closed the book and put it down on the ground. "Wasn't that a great story?"

"There's still something I don't understand," said Arty.

Everyone rolled their eyes and groaned.

"What's that?" said Holly finally.

"Why is sleeping such a big deal?"

**Reviews entitle you to my eternal gratitude.**

**Lu**


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